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IQ TEST
A man walked into a very
high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was
a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The
man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had
ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller
space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc...
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact.
He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he
would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb.
The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered,
"Oh about 100".
So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball
scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out, "Uh..... bout 50 ". The robot clicked then
leaned close and very slowly asked,
...
"A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h
O-B-A-M-A ???"
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Message from the Boss
As the CEO of
this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama
is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a
BIG way.
To compensate for these increases our prices would have to increase by
about 10%.
But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state
of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and
I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did.
I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers
on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones we
let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They
voted for change, I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic
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Border Crossing
A guy traveling
through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped
by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the
other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
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Medical Doctors Opinion
The American
Medical Association has weighed in on the new proposed HealthCare
package....
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said,
'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were
pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the 'end', the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the assholes in Washington.
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Give 'til
it Hurts
A driver is
stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing Is Moving
north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold
Up?'
'Terrorists have kidnaped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey,
Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to
car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon'
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The Genie
Three men -
a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker Dude are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
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How to fix a Jerk
What to do
on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a
real jerk:
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to
the sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open THIS site
(THE
END)
8... Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.
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The Cowboy
A cowboy
named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in
California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a
calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Motorola RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a Herd of
sheep...
Now give me back my dog.....
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Butch the Rooster
John the farmer was in the
fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens),
called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the
eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought
a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was
old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular
morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County
Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a
politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how
to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't
paying attention?
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Repealing the Laws of Physics
From a senior level Chrysler
person:
Monday morning I attended a breakfast meeting where the speaker/guest was
Dr. David E. Cole, Chairman, Center for Automotive Research, (CAR) and
Professor at the University of Michigan). You have all likely heard CAR
quoted, or referred to in the auto industry news lately.
Dr. Cole, who is an engineer by training, told many stories of the
difficulty of working with the folks that the Obama administration has
sent to save the auto industry. There have been many meetings where a 30+
year experience automotive expert has to listen to a newcomer to the
industry, someone with zero manufacturing experience, zero auto industry
experience, zero business experience, zero finance experience, and zero
engineering experience, tell them how to run their business.
Dr. Cole's favorite story is as follows:
There was a team of Obama people speaking to Dr. Cole (Graduate Engineer,
automotive experience 40+ years, Chairman of CAR). They were explaining to
Dr. Cole that the auto companies needed to make a car that was electric
and utilized liquid natural gas (LNG) with enough combined fuel to go 500
miles so we wouldn't "need" so many gas stations, (a whole other topic).
They were quoting the BTU's of LNG and battery life that they had looked
up on some website.
Dr. Cole explained that to do this you would need a trunk FULL of
batteries and a LNG tank at big as the car to make it happen and that
there were problems related to the basic laws of physics that prevented
them from...
The Obama person interrupted and said (and I am quoting here): "These laws
of physics? Who's rules are those? We need to change that. (Some of the
others diligently wrote down the law name so they could look it up). We
have both the congress and the administration. We can repeal that law,
amend it, or use an executive order to get rid of that problem.
That's why we are here, to fix these sort of issues".
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Heaviest Element
Discovered
Heaviest Element Yet Known
to Science Discovered:
Lawrence Livermore National
Laboratory in California has now identified with certainty the heaviest
element known to science.
The new element, Pelosium (PL), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88
deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Pelosium is inert, and has no charge and no magnetism. Nevertheless, it
can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.
A tiny amount of Pelosium can cause a reaction that would normally take
less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Pelosium has a normal half-life of 2 years. It does not decay, but instead
undergoes a biennial reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
Pelosium mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will
promote many morons to become isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium becomes Senatorium, an element that
radiates just as much energy as Pelosium since it has half as many peons
but twice as many morons.
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Priest's Last Dying
Request
In Washington , D.C. an old priest lay dying
in the hospital. For
years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and
was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to
come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before
I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited
for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi
would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't
know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our
images and might even get me re-elected."
Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand
in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence
and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could
have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my
life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Obama.
"Amen", said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I
would like to do the same..."
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Reason For Oil Crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our OIL is located in:
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
North Dakota
Wyoming
Colorado
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
Our dipsticks are located in Washington DC .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Any Questions?
NO? Didn't think So.
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